Perhaps at least once a day if not more.
I was told when I received it to read it, pray about understanding it - and I do - and it changes so so often in terms of the depth and inspiration I receive from it. Lately it seems I've missed some inspiration from it that I've not entirely understood.
It seems I've fallen on my face so much in life that sometimes I feel like I've fallen more times than most I know have climbed or tried to - not putting myself above any of my fellow man - just saying....I've fallen a *lot*.
Mostly in the professional world it seems.
And more often than not as opposition seems quite unlimited in this world, I feel like I've got a target on my back - actually I know I do - and it comes seemingly most-often from the embodied hosts of satan's minions in this world who, wittingly, or unwittingly, love to bump and slash and dig pits for those around them - either in the name of corporate policy, or "just doing our job" (irony). But for as often as I've tumbled, I'm become accustomed to waiting for the next rug to be jerked out from under me and yet another spectacular free fall.
I've faced the future, fearful and doubtful as to the winds of fate, just waiting to slip, or my fingers lose their grip one last time...wondering what exactly the Lord has in store for me...
As my confidence has flagged over the years and miles, I've discovered I'd been aiding the opposition more and more with my growing cynicism, pessimism, fears and doubts all in an effort to feel like I had some control over life and was correctly anticipating how the world really operates - the point where they've paralyzed and consumed me and left me maxed out and my capabilities diminishing so it seemed....
Now as I've reflected on my patriarchal blessing, I've realized such an attitude is not what the Lord has asked me to have and now I wonder whether I've created my own situations (perhaps to some extent) or if there really is a plan and I've been missing out on it.
Either way, I've not had faith in the Lord or his plans and I've really short-changed myself of a lot of things that require my own effort and spiritual exertions.
|one of these jumps....I swear....|
I think humble.
Humble is a combination of not prideful, but also confident, and yet willing to submit to whatever happens good or ill, and optimistic that things are going to be okay.
Makes me wonder what exactly kind of being I think God is if this is how I've thought for so so long.
At any rate...how to be? Humble and hopeful.
For now that's the direction I think I need to take myself as it's much better than hopeless and helpless and faithless....I pray I do this and it becomes second nature.....
As for the rest.....set it down and focus on what's happening next....
Just a late night thought.